Christmas is not what it used to be for me. While some people may argue that Christmas is about Jesus, I don’t agree but I am, and most of my family is to, atheist. To me, Christmas is about giving, receiving, family, food, and although it isn’t Thanksgiving, it’s also about being thankful. Presents aren’t as plentiful as they used to be, but I’m 20 and have younger siblings that matter more than anything anyone could get for me. However, what my mom gets me, while I am thankful for (because I know we don’t have it like that), is no longer surprising. Another thing you have to accept getting older. No one knows what to buy for me, so they just straight out ask. Since I’m older I’m more about the giving and wish I had some actual money to spend than to just offer awesome suggestions for others to buy for them. I love to see the look on my brother and sister’s face when they open their presents. It’s incredible to see that even the smallest toy lights up their eyes.

Christmas dinner is always a buffet of all my favorite foods, but it just isn’t the same working on it all day and seeing it disappear in 10 seconds. It was so much easier when we were just called to the dinner table, haha. I guess I should be thankful that it just isn’t as stressful as it used to be when we would invite people over.

Christmas was always more about family to me, though. I remember having dinner at my aunt’s house and spending time with my grandparents, aunt and uncles. No longer is Christmas as extravagent as it used to me. With my Bampa’s passing, my aunt and uncles have pulled even farther away. We have no communication with them at all and while I should be (and am a little bit) upset. Learning what kind of people they are and how unaffected they are by Bampa’s death, I don’t even want anything to do with them. It’s just the family time, reminising, joking, dinner conversation has gone away somewhat. That’s what I loved most about my holidays.

I am very fortunate to still have my Grandma with me and although I am hurt that things aren’t the way they used to be, I have to remember that she realizes this too and we need to try to make them the best holidays that we can. Since, god forbid, they may be her last. That’s another thing. I never thought like that as a kid. I thought Bampa was a superhero and although he used a cane to walk, I thought he was invincible. I mean Jesus Christ, he had been shot and lived to talk about it. I thought my aunt loved us as though we were her own children. It doesn’t seem to be the case since she married him.. It’s amazing to see how innocent we used to be. 

Christmas isn’t what it used to be. I may have been complaining about the lack of presents in the beginning of this post but know that it isn’t how it was intended to sound. I’m complaining because growing up sucks. I’m complaining because my little sister and brother aren’t going to have those holiday memories that Patrick and I had. I’m complaining that my little sister and brother probably won’t remember their “Bampa”. I’m complaining because this is just going to get a whole lot worse as I get older.

But to perk this post up before I sign off I feel I should mention what I am thankful for.

I am thankful for my mom. I honestly don’t know what I would do without her. No matter what she has been there for me through everything I can’t fathom having to go through it without her.
I am thankful for my Grandma. I appreciate all she has done for us and for her tolerating the hell we put her through on a daily basis.
I am thankful for my little brother and sister who, although annoying, never cease to amaze me and make me proud.
I am thankful for my Step-Dad Bobby who didn’t have to but love us unconditionally and cared for us the best way he could when even our father’s couldn’t.
I am thankful for my brother, Patrick, I guess, lol. Although he annoys the hell out of me and makes my life harder almost every day, he does an amazing thing out there on the line every day. He has the guts to do something I couldn’t ever do. He saves lives every day whether as an EMT or a firefighter. I truly respect and love him for that.
I am thankful for my furbabies, Phantom, Lily, Reese, Oliver, and Bella. MY Children. They make me smile, they cuddle me when I’m sad and although, they are just animals, love me unconditionally even when I’m not feeding them.
And last but not least, I am thankful for the amazing man in my life who is there for me to vent to when all of the above annoys the hell out of me, makes me smile, keeps me warm at night, kisses me when I’m upset, listens to my insane rants although I have no idea what I’m talking about, loves every imperfection in me and just plain brightens up my day when I see him.